Balancing the equation – home chores

conflict
The best thing about getting married is partnership, isn’t it? Ask those who are married. Marriage may survive without money but cannot survive without the mutual partnership. Newly married couples enjoy their lives in the most halal way as Allah states in the Quran,  هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ, 2:187  they are each other libas (garments), covering each others physically, covering each other faults and helping each other coping up with the external damaging factors, subhanAllah what great wisdom. [1]

Whilst they enjoy, they don’t realize the change they have not only brought in their lives but also in the lives of their parents and home buddies. If we see it from the groom’s perspective, before marriage, he just have to take care of his family and obey the parents. After marriage, he has to take care of his wife as well, keeping in view that she has come to live besides all of his negitive and bad habits, leaving her home and parents, far away.

In such situations, there may arrise conflict between the husband and wife or between the wife and the husband’s family, difference of opinion in doing things. Over kitchen affairs, may be over children, may be over how to handle the home chores, how to arrange and schedule daily tasks, handling the servants etc. In such cases, everyone especially the bride must understand that every home has some ways to work and the norms are pre-defined. One should try to adapt those even if there is some discomfort.

In such circumstances, comes the most important role of the husband. He has to balance between the wife and the mother. Following are some tips and tricks that I have observed through different experiences from my life and from the lives of others:

  • Never say no to your parents. Especially if it doesn’t harm your personal life. وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا ۖ  “And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents”. [29:8] 

  • In case of conflict between wife and parents, listen to both sides carefully and analyze who’s right. إِنَّمَا الْمُؤْمِنُونَ إِخْوَةٌ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَ أَخَوَيْكُمْ “The believers are nothing else than brothers (in Islamic religion). So make reconciliation between your brothers” [49:10] 
  • If there happen to be any misunderstandings between the parties, then you’re the man you can really solve them. talk to each party separately and clear the misunderstanding by explaning. they won’t go mad on you insha’Allah. Trust me, they want someone to listen.
  • Love your wife much and unconditionally without scolding her and explain the importance of being good to the your family and its benefits. the Prophet said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [http://sunnah.com/urn/1262960] 
  • Love you parents unconditionally and lower your wings of humility over them no matter what. They are old now, they have no other choice apart from behaving they way they want to behave. They still love and care for you.  وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا “And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small.” [17:24] 
  • Make everyone understand that things shouldn’t be based on the way they are carried out, rather they should be based on results. Let them sit together and decide the outputs of things on which there is a conflict, as long as everyone is agreed upon the output, they do not have to fight on how things get done insha’Allah. [Principle taken from the book 7 Habits of highly effective people] 

  • Forgive them and have no grudges. وَإِن تَعْفُوا وَتَصْفَحُوا وَتَغْفِرُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ But if you pardon (them) and overlook, and forgive (their faults), then verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [64:14]

May Allah make our homes among the gardens of Paradise and make our wives and children the coolness of our eyes.

[1] See Tafsir Ibn e Kathir 2:187 for details

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